


Substitute Squad

by WeInItNowScoob



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: BUT IT MAKES SENSE I PROMISE, Best Fan Forever, Do it for her, Gen, M/M, New squads, Ren is Taako's bff, Revenge fic, Yes that's right Brad Fucking Bradson
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 03:58:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10209128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeInItNowScoob/pseuds/WeInItNowScoob
Summary: Taako and Kravitz are on a date when they run into a very distressed Ren. Which Merle and Magnus attending to their own personal matters, it's up to Taako and his substitute squad to save the day!





	1. Taako Does a Smooch

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Heyyyy! This is my first fix since I was 14 and obsessed with Naruto, so sorry if I seen a little off my game. TAZ is just so... It leaves a lot to the imagination, you know? I plan to write about Merle and Magnus is other works, so don't take their absence in this as my dismissal of their characters. I love them all <3

There was a lot to do during Candlelights vacation. Ice skating, caroling, exchanging gifts, and of course, the time off for nearly everyone allowed for spending time with your loved ones. On the third day of Candlenights, after the festivals at BoB died down, Taako had planned a date in Neverwinter with Kravitz. He was currently on that date, walking hand in hand down the less busy streets of the town.

 

Taako was bundled up in a thick, but fashionable robe with the hood up, knee-high boots, wool stockings and a longer skirt than usual. Kravitz was taking on his human form in a black suit that barely looked casual and a fluffy, white tent of a robe to cover his usual reaper hood.

 

Seeing Taako shiver, Kravitz lets go of Taako's hand to wrap an arm around him. This is apparently a horrible idea as Taako flinches away violently.

"Ah! Babe, love the lovey-dovey couples shit you're bringing to the table, but warming up your partner only works when your body has heat to give."

"Oh!.. Right. Sorry." Kravitz says, taking his arm back sheepishly.

 

"Hey, no problem, my man, it's cool. You're cool." Taako gives Kravitz a smirk as he realizes he made a pun, "Don't think I don't like you touchin' me in general, though. I'll definately love it on hot days. Come summer, I'll be wrapped around you like a glove."

 

"Hah," Kravitz laugh-huffs, "Something to look forward to, I suppose."

 

"You know it!" Taako beams. They walk hand in hand again when Taako realizes something, "Hey. How'd you get today off? Doesn't the death count, or... Cheating death count bump up during holidays?"

 

"Yes, but well..." Kravitz gives a little shrug, "There are other reapers to follow the Raven Queen's orders. Also, since I'm the only one in a relationship with a mortal, I'm allowed a vacation during the holidays as well."

 

"Awww," Taako swoons dramatically, "Don't tell me you filled out official paper work for little old me."

 

"Not exactly. It's not like we have.... HR or anything. I've just... apparently 'earned it' according to the Queen."

 

"Hah. Workaholic" Taako says before planting a kiss on Kravitz's skin-covered cheek bone, and consequently pulling back. "Gah! Cold!"

 

"Is it really that cold?"

 

"If I licked you, my tongue would get stuck." Taako says. Once it gets the flustered reaction he wanted, he says, "Naw, just kidding. But you are colder than usual. Maybe it's because you're dead, so you're absorbing the cold out here?"

 

"Hm. Never thought about that." Kravitz says, "Never had to think about it. My form isn't exactly for comfort."

 

"Not until summer!" Taako reminds him.

 

"Hah. Right." Kravitz says, squeezing Taako's hand a little, "Say... How about we step into a pub for a little while? Get a break from the cold?"

 

"That desperate to make out with me, huh?"

 

".... Maybe a LITTLE."

"Well, I could use a drink... Yeah, lets go, Krav!"

They hurry along to the nearest pub in sight, and push open the door to discover a cozy, wooden interior. The lights are dim, the booths are unoccupied,the bar is well-stocked. It would be a perfectly romantic scene, if not for the rancid, salty aroma filling the air. The couple notices a light, pouring sound and turns to the source to find a figure, violently splashing tables with what appears to be oil.

 

"I-... Hey!" Taako shouts. The figure stiffens, then slowly turns to face him, and Taako chokes back a gasp as the figure is revealed to be a beautiful dark elf woman with a very worried face.

 

"..... Taako?"


	2. Taako is Personally Offended

"Uh... Hey, Ren," Taako greets awkwardly, How're... Um... What are you doing?"

 

Ren gives a forced laugh and hefts her container, "Oh, this? Well... I came into a small fortune after selling the diamonds I earned in Refuge. Let June take over the Davey Lamp... Bought a nice little bar here in Neverwinter and I.... Thought I'd give the tables a shiny coat of varnish!"

 

Taako raises an eyebrow at her, and she keeps her face straight for five seconds before it scrunched up and she began to cry. He winces as he recalls the last time she broke down in tears. As aloof as he might be, he felt bad for emotionally sensitive people like Ren, who couldn't hide their feelings as easily as he could.

 

But he isn't good at consolation. That's more of a Magnus thing. Maybe a Merle thing, but definately not a Taako thing. He looks back at Kravitz, who is awkwardly looking down at the floor, as if admiring the woodwork. Right. Kravitz doesn't actually know Ren. So it's up to Taako to.... ugh.... Offer comfort. He reaches up a gloved hand and places it on her shoulder, "Uh.... There, there."

 

Ren responds to the touch and buries her head into Taako's shoulder. "Oh, Taako, it's awful!!"

 

"W-what happened, Brohime?" Taako asks cautiously.

 

"I-I tried to make a name for myself like you did," Ren sobs, "tried to do a show, but instead of cooking.... I'd make drinks.."

 

"... Oh?" Taako tries to stuff down the proud feelings he experiences in that moment.

 

"Yeah," She hiccups, "I learned some transmutation... Not at the level where I could transform into a 50-foot T-Rex, but enough to entertain crowds... I started gettin' popular. The bar was always full on weekends."

 

"Naturally," Taako adds, "You were a student of mine, after all." Ren gives him a wobbly smile before continuing,

"So... With all the business, I hired another bartender to deal with regular customers while I performed.... She was happy with the tips, but after a while, she just... She!.."

 

"... Wanted more?" Taako offers, not liking where this was going one bit.

 

"Yeah!" Ren replies, "She wanted to perform with me. But... She was really clumsy... She couldn't even properly flip a bottle in the air for show. That, and..."

 

Taako leans in.

 

"You never needed help on your shows. I wanted to do solo performances. Like you."

 

Taako leans back and fights a grimace. He felt proud that Ren followed his lead a moment ago, but now he's wracked with guilt, already knowing where this is going.

 

"One night, we had a line coming out of our bar. Everyone wanted to see me perform. But hours before my show, my bartender walked out on me! I had to deal with customers as well as perpetration and performing and well... After all that stress I may have accidentally transmutated a laxative in my drink and 60 people got really sick.... Ever since, everyone's been too scared to come back here and I'm losing business... Enough to lose money."

 

Taako gives a long sigh. On one hand, he's relieved that no one died. He doesn't know how Ren would have dealt with that, if her solution to making 60 people sick is to burn this mother down. On the other hand, he knows some tomfoolery is at hand, and Ren is not to blame. Not 100%, at least.

And while Taako's one to not meddle in other people's affairs (Taako's good out here, thank you), he actually sympathizes with Ren. Because he actually knows what someone else is going through for once. He knows what it's like to feel guilty about something that wasn't completely his fault, and if he can, he wants to keep Ren from feeling that guilt. He certainly doesn't want Ren to avoid making drinks for anyone she loves just because one selfish asshole might have ruined her life.

 

"Ren?" He starts.

 

"Y-yeah?" Ren asks, looking as if she's bracing herself for a "you've disappointed me" speech.

 

"I've gone through something similar myself."

 

Ren's eyes widen the same way one would when they find out the most popular kid in school says they like the same flavor of ice cream they do.

 

"I won't get into the details, but based on my experience? I'm convinced your little bartender sabatoged the show." 

 

Ren backs away and furrows her brow, "What?? But... Sue would never-..."

 

"Why, because she's so nice?" Taako asks, "Because she showered you with praise after each show? Because she showed you affection you thought you didn't deserve? Because she called herself your very best friend you could always depend on?"

 

Rens' brows unfurrow and she looks down in contemplation. Taako can feel Kravitz's concerned eyes on him. They'll have to talk later.

 

"She walked out on ya, Ren. What kind of decent person just walks out on a busy night without a two-week's notice?" Taako adds.

 

"You know... I did see her run out of the back room after prepping my supply on the last day... But that doesn't prove anything. That won't fix... This." Ren gestures around the oil-covered tables and floors.

 

"That's why I'm gonna help you make her confess." Taako says, lifting a wand (he'd left the Umbra staff on the moon, just in case it tried to kill Kravitz again) and usea a telekinesis spell to lift the oil and force it back into the container. Ren whistles in wonder. Taako then remembers he's on a date and turns to Kravitz, "Uh... Is that cool with you, Krav?"

 

Kravitz coughs into his hand, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, I was wondering if I tagged along? I'd rather not go home to relax. And I've always wondered what it'd be like to go on an adventure with you."

 

"Day three on your vacation, and you're already itching for an adventure? You ARE a workaholic!" Taako teases as he pats Kravitz's arm.

 

"Is this a friend of yours?" Ren asks.

 

"Boyfriend." Taako says. He feels Kravitz give a mild jolt. "Well, we are."

 

"I know how private you are with your personal life." Kravitz replies.

 

"Well, this adventure is kind of personal." Taako shrugs.

 

"Wait," Ren says suddenly, "I dunno what happened to you, why you've chosen to help me for personal reasons, and while I would like Sue to be called out... Can you promise not to kill her? Or torture her? She might've pulled a real dick move, but... If you're defending my honor, I request that you just make her learn her lesson. Please. Don't hurt her."

Taako mulls it over. His track record in not hurting others wasn't the best. And he knew that if push came to shove, he might associate this Sue person with a certain, terrible someone in his past, and... it wouldn't be pretty. He looks at his Grimm Reaper boyfriend. You know. The guy who's profession is killing wanted people.

The only solution would be getting a public confession out of Sue, but that would only be possible if one of them knew how to cast Zone of Truth. Ugh. Of all the times Merle was out doing what the fuck ever. Probably getting freaky with a tree or something. 

Taako snorts.

 

"Wh-... Are you laughing? C'mon, Taako, please promise you won't hurt her!" Ren says.

 

"Oh yeah, that. Uh..." Taako forces himself to get back on track, "If we want to do this peacefully, we need to have someone in our party who can cast Zone of Truth. And I don't think I know anyone besides Mer-"

 

Taako shuts up mid-sentence, as he remembers someone who definitely knows Zone of Truth. Unfortunately, that someone is kind of super annoying. But Ren needs closure, so Taako groans in defeat for exactly 58 seconds.

 

"Ok. I know what to do. Stay right here. I'll be back with an Orc who know exactly what to do." Taako says.

 

"An ORC?!" Ren gasps. But Taako's already out of the tavern, leaving her in the company of Kravitz.


	3. Brad is Here to Help

Most orcs, in Ren's personal experience, were rough n' tough n' ready to rumble. They were of course mostly courteous to civilians, but they did have a boastful nature, loving to prove their strength to others around them. Most orcs she met were of a warrior class, with more war stories than battle scars they had. They were jacked for days. Their hands were calloused through years of hard work, their teeth were yellowed from a nearly all-meat diet, and a little on the loud side.

 

The orc in front of her was none of those things. This orc looked like he moisturizer daily and drank kale smoothies. This orc looked like he had a morning routine at 6 in the morning that consisted of yoga, jogging, and a mineral bath. This orc looked like he bought the finest products from Fantasy Lush. This orc... Was slim, formally dressed, well-groomed, and his long, black ponytail smelled like lilac. This orc.... Was a big ol' nerd boy.

"Ren, this is Brad from HR, Brad, this is Ren, the performing bartender extraordinaire." Taako says in one hurried breath.

 

"Nice to meet you, Ren, I'm glad to be part of the team, I'm glad to be useful, I'm ready to inspire, and I'm especially ready to heal." Brad greets, extending his hand. Ren takes it, and WOW, that was softer than she expected. He totally moisturized.

 

"Nice to meet you, Brad... I look forward to working with you. What's your class?" Ren asks.

 

"I'm a bard, myself." Brad says, "My father and his father were both warriors, but that's not the life for me."

 

Ren nodded, not knowing what else to say. Good on him, breaking the hyper-masculine orc stereotype. Most likely without support from his family.

 

Behind her, Taako rolls his eyes and brings Kravitz. "Kravitz, Brad from HR, Brad, Kravitz my boyfriend."

 

"Always a pleasure to meet a friend of Taako's," (Taako dry heaves a little), "Your ancestors gave me quite a bit of legwork, so it's nice to see you aren't following the family footsteps." Kravitz says. Taako raises an eyebrow and gives a warning glare, but Kravitz doesn't see it.

 

"What do you mean?" Brad asks, "You knew my father? And my Grandfather?"

 

"Well, I knew their victims."

 

Taako CLEARED his THROAT.

 

"How? You don't look like you have any elf in you."

 

"Well. Maybe a little... Sometimes." Taako jokes.

 

"Inappropriate." Brad says.

 

"We're not at work." Taako counters.

 

"That's fair." Brad replies. "But what do you mean, you knew their victims?"

 

"Well..." Kravitz says, "Since we'll be working together and all, I should probably be honest. But don't tell your friends."

 

"Don't tell my friends wh-"

 

In an instant, Kravitz's dark skin and dreads peeled away to reveal the skeletal form inside. Ren gaped in horror and Brad instinctively pushed her and Taako behind him while conjuring a shield spell.

 

"Oh, quit it, drama queens." Taako scoffed, clamping a hand over Brad's mouth and sauntering back to his hot hot bone boy, "He's just a merc for the Raven Queen."

 

"Taako, you're... Dating the Grim Reaper?" Brad asks.

 

"I'm dating A grim reaper." Taako corrects, "And before you ask, yes, he's legally undead, and our relationship is our personal business, so don't go telling everyone at HQ or you'll be violating our code of conduct. Some lawyer bullshit. Whatever."

 

"I mean... Why would I? You know me, Taako, I always follow the rules. I'm a friend you can count on." Brad says.

 

Taako stares at him for a minute, contemplating... Something, before rolling his eyes, "Yeah, yeah. Fuckin' goody-two shoes, that's you."

 

Everything the orc said was uplifting, but he said it so monotonously so it sounded like he was between the lines of sarcastic and genuine. Was that what happened when a race with natural fighting skills went for a totally different class? No, that was probably racist. Brad wouldn't have become a bard if he didn't have the talent or interest for it. And every time he spoke, Ren DID feel a little uplifted every time he spoke, it just sounded a little different. But she liked different. It's why she loved Taako's show so much, after all. Brad seemed like a genuinely good person. She could trust him. Taako, based on her recovered memories in Refuge, might be a little sneaky, but she trusted him as well. He'd lie, cheat, and deceive, but he wasn't a bad person. He was a hero. His tactics were just a little... morally gray. As for Kravitz?.... she wasn't too sure.. If Taako was deceived before, could he be deceived again?

 

She watched Taako give Kravitz an Eskimo kiss (read: inserting his pointy nose in his boyfriends' hollow one) and tried to make sense of it. The Grim Reaper, in a relationship with a mortal. Was that against the rules for reapers? It felt like it was. Was Kravitz using Taako for something, or was he new to immortality, and therefore not jaded about romance? Or maybe... Ren was just a little freaked out about having the embodiment of Death right in front of her?

 

Noting the look on Ren's face, Taako rolls his eyes and laughs, "C'mon, Ren, Reapers exist for a reason. Could you imagine a world where no one dies? It'd be terrible."

"Yeah... I guess it would..." Ren says. After the bubble incident, after having the same day for almost two years just appear in her memories, she can understand that yeah, life could be scary if there was no way out.

"As someone who saw a period of mass non-death in history, I can confirm this." Kravitz says.

Ren winces as Kravitz's jaw rattles as he speaks. She knew she was being irrational. She had spent around half an hour in the bar alone with him while Taako fetched Brad, and he barely did anything other than ask for a glass of port and make incredibly awkward small talk.

 

"Hm. Maybe the tension will die down if I change back to my human form." Kravitz says.

 

"Oh! Wait, wait!" Taako says. As Kravitz turns, Taako leans up to give his exposed teeth a lingering smooch. "Can't pass an opportunity to mack on this form, you know."

 

It looks like if Kravitz could blush, he would. As he changes back to his human form, it's proven that he's absolutely blushing. Ren blushes a little as well, not quite used to PDA, being raised in small, old-fashioned towns and all. Next to her, Brad adjusts his glasses and pretends to be really interested in something on his clipboard.

 

"Ok!!" Taako shouts, with fists in the air, "Let's not forget why we're here! Someone has besmirched Ren's honor, and we have to get closure! Are we all ready to teach a skank a lesson?!"

"Without hurting her?!" Ren adds.

 

"I'm always up for an opportunity to bond as a team.... In an ethical manner." Brad says, putting his perfect, manicured, green hand in.

 

There's a pause as everyone stares at his hand in the open, but Brad doesn't take his hand back, and looks at Taako expectantly.

 

"We really doing that...? Whatever. I'm in!" Taako says as he slaps his hand down. Brad winces as Taako's hand makes contact with his (and takes a point of damage), but he seems to quickly recover, feeling accepted.

 

"This'll be quite interesting, won't it?" Kravitz's asks, putting his hand over Taako's gently and giving a little caress with his thumb. Taako grins at him, then looks to Ren. "You ready for this, Home-girl?"

 

Ren looks at the group in front of her. An orc bard from HR, Death himself wearing a handsome face, and Taako. One third of Tres Horny Boys, and star of Sizzle it Up with Taako. Her greatest inspiration. They were an odd bunch, but they were all ready to use up some of their vacation for her. They were her party. She's never needed a party before, and now one just offers to help her?

 

"What.. Um... What can I offer as compensation?" She asks.

 

"Uh. Free seats to your show, Bubbele." Taako replies, with almost no hesitation.

 

"Really?! That's it?" She asks, a little gobsmacked.

 

"Hey, your show is apparently more popular than mine, so it's gotta be good." Taako says, "Once you're back in business, we gotta see it!"

 

Kravitz and Brad nod and hum in agreement.

 

Ren is internally overjoyed. Her greatest muse saying all this is too much for her to hear. Whatever doubts she had, it's harder to point out now. Star struck, she sees the good in the situation. Taako believes in her. He'd gone and found someone in a non-violent class who he seems to dislike a little because she didn't want anyone hurt. And Kravitz...

 

She looks at him, waiting for her to put her hand over his and make her trust in them official. She had a business to save, and these three dudes were determined to help. She lifts a shaky hand, places it over Kravitz's...

 

And quickly withdraws it.

 

"I'm sorry..." she says, as the other there's faces fall, "Kravitz..."

 

He looks up, slightly hurt, but a little used to it.

 

"Your hand is kinda cold. It surprised me."

The men in front of her all gasp and suddenly desolve into a giggle fit. Taako jostles her like an obnoxious frat boy at a party. Ren smiles along, laughing at her own goof and hopes sokeone here had a good plan.


End file.
